An important step to root into self love is to address our shame.
First, let's differentiate between shame and guilt. Grateful for Brené Brown for articulating a concept which I have found profoundly helpful in loving myself more deeply. In Brené’s famous Ted Talk about vulnerability, she emphasizes the importance of separating shame from guilt.
While guilt says, “I made a mistake,” shame says “I am a mistake.”
See the difference?
Guilt is taking ownership for my problematic and negatively impactful behavior, but shame is believing that my existence is inherently bad. Guilt can drive us toward action and understanding, while shame often brings on the nervous system state of SHUT DOWN.
Guilt is actually really helpful for self love because it means I understand that I am powerful enough that my actions do have impact on other people, but that I am also capable of change.
Guilt helps me separate myself from behaviors, habits and patterns so I can change them. Yay!
Shame is more tricky, because it can be very subtle and VERY insidious. Shame says: I am inherently bad on a core level. Some religion/institutional ideologies support this idea. (Raised catholic over here!) When I believe this, it doesn’t allow room for growth.
Unfortunately, shame is correlated with increased amounts of self harm and harm to others. It’s hard to be hopeful when I believe no matter what I do or don’t do, my core identify is unworthy...and wrong.
In the book, "Beyond Survival," Nathan Shara writes,
"With no way to escape from the totality of our belief ("I just am wrong"), we may do some of the following:
hide what we feel is bad about ourselves and try hard to pass as "good"
overcompensate in other parts of life through overwork, caretaking, or perfectionism to make up for whatever is "wrong" about us.
defend ourselves from any insinuation that we might have done wrong, attempt to rationalize, or justify our actions.
blame someone else, try to divert responsibility, or shift the focus onto another.
attack anyone who draws attention toward the source of our shame, try to have power by dominating or shaming others.
numb through self-harming use of alcohol, substances, food, sex, technology, and so on.
Many of us tap into all or most of these strategies in different situations.
Overaccountability and underaccountability are two sides of the same coin:
"I can't stand how bad I feel and can't imagine making it right (overaccountability) so I'm going to hide that it (whatever it is) even happened, or lie about it or blame someone else (underaccountability.)"' -Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories from the Transformative Justice Movement Nathan Shara's chapter on Facing Shame: From Saying Sorry to Doing Sorry
On the other hand, experiencing guilt is inversely related to the perpetuation of harm!
It can be, in appropriate doses, a responsible, wise, and self loving place to come from. However, displaced guilt, or overstated guilt relinquishes us of all pleasure. NOT USEFUL.
This is about reminding myself that I am never a mistake.
I am inherently good and there is ALWAYS room for change and healing.
HERE ARE YOUR JOURNAL PROMPTS FOR THE DAY:
What are the physical sensations and signs of shame in your body when you experience shame?
Brené Brown talks about the people who can catch themselves in shame spirals best are aware of the physical symptoms of the spiral. For example, for me it's tunnel vision, heart and head pounding, dissociation from my legs, shoulders hunched, neck forward, head down, and lots of tingly sensations in my hands. So again, what are your physical signs of a shame response?
To quote Sonya Renee Taylor, "what are you ready to stop apologizing for?"
How do you feel you relate to the quote by Audre Lorde below?
"Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me. I am who I am, doing what I came to do, acting upon you like a drug or a chisel to remind you of your me-ness, as I discover you in myself.”
-Audre Lorde
Remember to:
Light your candle or incense.
Take 3 deep breaths into the belly. Tuning into that felt sense of safety in the body, surroundings, or a memory.
Set your timer. Up to you how long. (I do between 10-20 mins)
And begin.
Plant-powered recipe of the day:
CHOCOLATE SENSUAL CHIA PUDDING
Ingredients
1 ½ cups dairy free milk
1/3 cup chia seeds
¼ cup raw cacao
1 banana
Dash of cinnamon
½ teaspoon of alcohol free vanilla extract
3 tablespoons of dark chocolate covered goji berries
Instructions
ASSEMBLE THE NIGHT BEFORE. The night before you want the Chia Bowl for breakfast, place chia seeds, dairy-free milk, vanilla, nutmeg and cinnamon in a container with a lid, shake well and let it sit overnight in the refrigerator.
THE NEXT MORNING. Eat the pudding cold
SERVING SUGGESTION. Add stevia , bee pollen, hemp seeds and shredded coconut.
Rachel Feldman is a health coach, business coach, wellness momma, and a detox specialist. Rachel graduated from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition in New York City, Wild Rose Natural College of Healing, and the International School of Detoxification and Natalia Rose Advanced Detox Certification Training. She is also a biz coach for health-focused solopreneurs, helping you create more, get your work out there strategically, and star raking in the cash you deserve. She creates cleanses, clean eating programs and helps her clients to lose weight and restore their health through the power of food.
Paradigm Shifter:
Today, can you honor someone else’s beauty without questioning your own?
Can you honor someone else's body? Someone else's life?
Without letting your inner mean girl out to play...
What we can see in others is essentially what we can see inside of us.
Instead of getting jealous or angry, simply see what you see in another human, knowing that this is inside of you too.
You can only visibly see the things in life that you have.
When you see or judge a person as fat, perhaps, you may be judging something in yourself about the same.
When you see a person as beautiful, radiant, incredible- you honor that these same qualities are within you as well.
When you can acknowledge the beauty in someone else,
you acknowledge it in yourself as well.
Give yourself this gift.
With super sexy self care and all my love,
Groovy Girl 🦋